Joan Rivers Quotes


You know you have reached middle age when your doctor warns you to slow down, instead of the police.

I saw what happens under my chin. I do not want to be the only one the president has to forgive in Thanksgiving.

My breasts are very low now I can get a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

We all cry our way. I cry with a good steak.

My father was a doctor, so I was close to death all my life. So, I was very used to it because I was a doctor f-king.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep to cry with five different accents.

Half of all marriages end in divorce, and then there are the really unhappy.

I was dating a transvestite and my mother told me: ‘Marry him. You will fold your wardrobe.

I am so fat and I am very depressed; Last night I tried to hang myself, but the rope broke.
Joan Rivers Quotes
Grandchildren can be annoying, how many times can you go: “and the cow becomes mute and the pig becomes disoriented”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

Anger is a symptom, a way of concealing and expressing too terrible feelings to experience directly: pain, bitterness, pain and, above all, fear.

I wish I could tell you what’s better. It does not get better. Get better.

Age: it is the only mountain that you can not overcome.

I’m not a cook When I want lemon in chicken, I sprinkle it with Pledge.

At my age an adventure of the heart is a derivation!

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touching a hot stove, taking lamps from tables and waking mom before noon.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it is missing, and what there is stinks.

I have to admit that I’m nervous about having Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I could tell my best joke and never know it.

A study says that owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I do not want to go back to menopause.

You know you’re getting old when work is much less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’

Now I think it’s a good day when I do not step on my tits.

Why should a woman cook? Then your husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some prostitute?

She is so pure that Moses could not even separate her knees.

My first memory of my childhood was watching my parents drop the wheels of my stroller.

My parents hated me All I heard was, “Why can not you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can not you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

Your most proud moment is to observe that your egg not only works, but that you get it by yourself.

About her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried was when I sat her down and told her I was not adopted.

My grandson is angry with me. He’s mad at me because I squandered his college fund in Spanx. It’s a lot, but a lot of things are happening here.

Palestinians can not launch rockets and hope that people do not defend themselves

After making love, he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

I have a figure of one million dollars … but everything is a loose change.

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It’s fashion, enjoy it!

The girls just want to have fun. Well, so do the old women!

Every time I take a plane, I imagine it will fly. You live on the edge.

Life is hard. And it is better that we laugh at everything, otherwise we go through the canyon.

I love the way my life has fallen into place.

That baby is so ugly … I’ve never seen a six-month-old baby so desperately in need of a wax.

The life goes fast. Enjoy it … Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Anyone who says that the aspect does not count is lying.

Al Roker said that I have 80 years of ‘youth’; It’s like saying that Al Roker is 320 pounds ‘thin’.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My point G means Godforsaken.

I do not have boobs at all. On my wedding night, my husband said to me: “Let me help you with those buttons” and I said: “I’m completely naked.”

Do not worry about the money. I love the process

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me ‘sir’.

Never floss with a stranger.

Never buy a vegetarian’s coat.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: as long as you do not scare the horses, do what you want. And I definitely believe it.

Gay marriage, I’m so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that are not laughable. But it’s not like that? That is what separates us from animals. We laugh.

What could be nicer than having three horrible kids behind you on a plane, and on the next stage, you go on stage and talk about how much you despise children and what you’d like to do on a plane? It’s the only time I would gladly take a terrorist. It would be worth getting rid of these children.

I think that anyone who is perfectly happy is not particularly funny. And when you’re very, very happy, you’re not very funny. You are happy. I prefer to be damaged and funny.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his earnings from his sex tape. It’s ‘Something Old’ and ‘Something Blew’.

In Vanna White’s diet, you only eat what you can spell.
Joan Rivers Quotes
A female salmon puts three thousand eggs a year and has not yet received a Mother’s Day card from one of them.

Im racist? How can that be possible? He was a friend of Michael Jackson when he was black.

Two is company; three is fifty dollars.

I could stop and live with care, but that’s ridiculous. I do not want to live with care

No man will put his hand on his dress looking for a library card.

She is so fat, she is my two best friends.

Elizabeth Taylor is so fat she gives him mayonnaise with aspirin.

She is so hairy, when she raised her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

I was reading about Lindsay Lohan’s new diet, which is all liquid. 80 test.

All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

I said to my husband: ‘Why do not you shout my name when we make love?’ He said: ‘I do not want to wake you up’.

If I found it floating in my pool, I would punish my dog.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

Money can not make you happy, but you can pay for plastic surgery.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked her to make it like Bo Derek. He gave him a lobotomy.

My daughter and I are very close, we talk every day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “take it back, I know you’re there”.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent him back and said: “we do not believe it”.

I was getting dressed and a Tom Tom looked out the window, took a look and lowered the shadow.

Why women do not blink during the previous game … they do not have enough time.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends a canary.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of books for children. First: ‘Horton listens to a heroin dealer’.

Comedy, and I say it with humility, comedy needs me.

The fun of working on the road means stealing in hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

I said that Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian, and I defend him: she’s the daughter that Cher wishes she had.

Something terrifying will come no matter how dark the present is.

But you have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can not be part of the party. I mean, you can not ride with Jackie O in Central Park if you’re going to make a joke about her that night.

“I’ve learned that what is funny verbally is not so funny in the email: they do not hear your intonations.” Melissa broke up with someone about that, and tried to say, “That was a joke! “But he just did not understand it.” Mick Jagger said, “If they do not understand the joke.” And I love him, that’s because of age: knowing what his problem is, not mine.

I tell you that at age eight I knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

I do not have sexual attractiveness; If my husband did not turn around and turn around, we would never have had the child.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historic landmark.

Does not Mel Gibson’s father believe there is a Holocaust? Great. I do not think there’s a movie. We’re at hand.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; My little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else calls me at all.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all the designers and stylists are still online in San Francisco trying to marry each other.

Tonight I will interview Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou, and yes, they are actors, not suppliers.

How to cheat yourself to feel younger: when you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

There is nothing funny about aging: it is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise has simply not been paying attention.

I was my own friend in the camp.

Now I know that all artists are beginners. The experience counts a lot and very little. Every night on stage I feel like I’m starting from scratch, I’m still not quite sure what I’m doing and where I’m going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.

Somehow, in some way, every person in the arts has to find accommodation with disappointment and shame. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must delve into the arts, go for them alone. At a certain basic level, you should enjoy the act of doing it … Otherwise, you will end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and salsa.

Do not talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I must be careful not to step on my breasts.

Showing business can be an addiction. … An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would pursue that for another three months.

Going forward is a gift that you give yourself.

Having a baby is definitely a love job.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he could not wait to have a baby. It was only after we got married that he changed his mind and decided that he should have the baby.

My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and yelled when she was having her baby. It is true, this was only during conception.

Having a baby can be a scream.
Joan Rivers Quotes
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re fine. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy no longer exists.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death of any professional.

to maintain success, resistance is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

I wear the midi because I feel that if you look ugly, it is better that you look ugly this year.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is in their own way. And you’ll even run into some people who rhinos must run over because they do not want you to come over your tragedy; Pain is a spectator sport for them.

I was absorbing a sad truth of the entertainment world: rejection is the norm and acceptance the rarity. I was learning to cut the top of my heights and stay in the low spots where the rejections and the drops would be superficial.

If you do not think that all life is improvisation, then you have not been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you make other plans.

Life is a movie, and you are the star. Give him a happy ending.

I’m not lucky. I’m the type that would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Marriage is not a contest to see who is more right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call “the bamboo wise”, which means that you must bend so as not to break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect that you would give to a superior client. Think about how we treat customers; We smile, we are friendly, we listen to your ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

old age ‘is always ten years older than us.

In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

For the pessimist, the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Self-pity shortens your life …

The first survival rule is: create your own rules. What the hell someone thinks about the way you are acting; listen only to yourself

I started my career in a city so small that the local clinic was called Fred’s Hospital and Grill.

Just remember: survival is the best revenge, no matter what disaster you have had.

You have to do more than kill time or time will kill you quickly.

Emotional problems are like a dump. Take them out, and the air disintegrates them.

In life, the only thing you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

The German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

Edgar had a heart attack, and it’s my fault. We were making love, and I removed the bag from my head.

[Signature phrase:] Can we talk?

Omaha is a bit like Newark, without the glamor of Newark.

Run scared … and you will never be caught.

Trust your husband, love your husband and get everything you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers Quotes
My mother could make someone feel guilty: she used to receive letters of apology from people she did not even know.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is with plastic surgery.

With age comes wisdom. You do not need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman is years old, she takes at least three years of vacation.

Do you know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and wrapped it automatically.

I can not use yellow anymore. It’s too even with my catheter.

I do not like to see Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There is something wrong about a German woman who says who goes and who stays

I hate McDonald’s I do not want to order my dinner screaming at the mouth of a clown. If I want my face in the mouth of a clown, I’ll kiss Glenn Beck.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be crude.

When you can laugh at yourself, no one can make you look ridiculous.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she is bad.

I want to be buried in a Valentino dress and I want Harry Winston to make a label with my feet.

There is always an adjective before my name, and it is never good.

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you’re from Brooklyn, then you need a nose job!

Women should look good. Work on yourselves Education? I spit on education. No man is going to put his hand on his dress looking for a library card.

I learned not to regret any joke I have ever made. You can disconnect me, you can click on me, it’s fine. I will not bow to political correctness. But you have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can not be part of the party.

Do not marry for love What does love have to do with marriage? I spit out love and marriage. You get married for money.

Traveling is the emotion of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it that way, even at the worst moment you can say: “We will laugh tomorrow for this”. And he does it

The last time I saw a blonde with red stripes in her hair she was lying on the floor of Oscar Pistorius’s bathroom,

If you can not make fun of yourself, you have no right to make fun of others

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she postponed the rapture until after her last show.

What we do is a vocation … we make people happy

The comedy is true. We should not apologize for it.

With this face, I need all the deals I can get.

Here is a Thanksgiving tip. In general, your turkey is not cooked enough if you pass the cranberry sauce.

I do not care about getting old, I just do not want to be a bigger day.

Everyone thinks that Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity of a baby hoarder, but it was not like that. Before Angelina was Mia Farrow. Mia had a whole farm full of children. I think he got them at Costco.

I finally discovered how priests get holy water. They boil like hell.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because ‘Balzac’ sounds so happy, and I love my homosexuals. I would like the Parisians more if they name their streets only for homosexual icons, such as Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

Maybe I’m out of fashion, but I think when a woman enters a room, men should stand up, and gay men should stand at least halfway up.

I always hate children’s stars, starting from a lot when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two feet six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and small pinafores with ruffles and shiny leather patent leather shoes, just like the guys from Glee.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. In this way, children would not only know how to build shelves, but they would also instinctively know how to decorate them.

I’m so out of the loop. I never feel honored. My career is hilarious for me. I’m under the radar or off the radar.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Joan Collins told a journalist that she had not had plastic surgery; Come on … it’s had more folds than a motel sheet!
Joan Rivers Quotes
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she said to me: if I could make a person happy, Joan, I will die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just return Jennifer Aniston to her husband.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours in a row. And that was only during conception.

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why do not you go home? Her dresses are beautiful, but I do not care what she does. She is bad with all the people around her. She is too small to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, makeup artists, limousines and receptionists at Los Angeles airports and nobody has anything good to say about it. They say she is rude. She may not always be having a bad day.

Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They are thinking of: More than an excellent place to die.

I learned: when you’re older, who cares? I do not like words, I do not restrain myself. What are you going to do with me? Fire me? It has been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Fact. Remove my show? Fact! Do not you invite me to the Vanity Fair party? I was never invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I would use it as toilet paper.

I will definitely see the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for the “Best Special Effects”.

I was born in 1962 and the adjoining room was 1963.

There are many self-help books by PhDs, but I have a different degree: a I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This grade does not come in parchment but in gauze, and it gives me the right to tell you that there is a way to overcome any misfortune.

I learned not to regret any joke I have ever made.

I have a water bed, but my husband supplied it with trout.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that every time she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers tried to board her.

Why should I cook for my husband? So, can you tell a prostitute that I make a delicious cake?

I have to tell you that it will not be easy. Take advantage of every opportunity and every opportunity you can. Do not say ‘I can not’ or ‘I should not’ or ‘I’m too tired’.

If you do not want gays in the army, make the uniforms ugly

I’m never without a bandage.

Once I dated a guy so stupid he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

No more Botox for me. The insides of Betty White move more than my face.

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it combines with my legs.

I do not think it’s good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after making love, he would take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Do you remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death row at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did you leave Bea Arthur? She was in Mame; she was in Everything in the family; she was in Maude; She was a golden girl, for the love of God! Bea was not only one of Hollywood’s leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood’s leaders!

My breasts are so low that I had to put refrains on my nipples!

I’m a dam! And I am very proud of that!

If you’re not a shipwreck in this business, you’re not close.

As I am the only interpreter that comes out and says that I underwent plastic surgery, I became the girl in the poster for plastic surgery, which is funny, because everyone has done it and everyone denies it. They stay there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they all have stitches, and they all say: “I have not done anything”. I talk about that

My last perfect meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, spinach with cream, salad with blue cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread and a dessert of strawberry cake.

Welcome to my world! I’ve been through everything, and I often pinch myself to believe in my luck. I design jewelry, I create cosmetics, I make comedies, I act, I dictate conferences, I write books, I travel, I have a fabulous daughter and a great grandson, and I feel that I am the luckiest woman on the planet.

Valentine’s Day is different for the elderly. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be crude.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she is bad.

You “marry for love” What does love have to do with marriage? I spit out love and marriage. You get married for money.

Do not cook Do not clean No man will make love to a woman because he entangled the linoleum.

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they wore hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, … But they say ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Las Vegas’. And when it comes to fashion, that’s a good thing.

I caused the attack on my husband’s heart. In the middle of making love, I took the paper bag from my head. He released the Polaroid and collapsed, and also the prostitute. It would have taken me half an hour to untie and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could score.

Last night I asked my husband, ‘What is your favorite sexual position?’ and he said: ‘To the side’.

My body is falling so fast that my gynecologist wears a helmet.

I do not have sexual attractiveness and it has fucked me for life; My gynecologist examines me on the phone.

Now you are a university graduate, so use your education. Remember: it is not who you know, it is who.

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy transparent nightgown and you do not know anyone who can see through it.

People are debating whether Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” is anti-Semitic. Well, if it is or it is not, it does not matter, because I’ve been in contact with your accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they’re taking you out of your earnings.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

I could never be in a cult. To begin with, they never complement each other properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I do not care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and a drip of insulin does not replace the earrings or a well-placed brooch.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it to see if it was Wedgwood.

The people who vote for the Oscars are so old. I have not seen an Academy Award voter with a tampon in his purse.

The life goes fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

Nothing is yours permanently so it is better that you enjoy it while it is happening.

My mother told me ‘man over, woman under’. For years, my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

My body is a temple, and my temple needs to redecorate

Do not worry about the money. I love the process

If you laugh at that, you can deal with that.

I sold my house in Los Angeles, packed my things and moved to New York, without knowing anyone. Friends are very difficult to do after a certain age.

Since I met him ten years ago, there has not been a day when I did not think of George Burns. And I did not think about him today.

I’m never without a bandage.

Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They are thinking of: More than an excellent place to die.

I’m going out with these old guys. A guy gave me a hickey and left my teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly charming dinner; He looked up and looked at me and said: You are not my wife! Another man died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you ask yourself: what would you give him? Another boy said: I want you to meet my family and take me to the cemetery.

What I love about jewelry is that you can exchange it for something else without surgery.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother signed up: “Last Girl Before Freeway”.

When you marry for the first time, they open the car door. Eighteen years now … once I opened the car door for the last four years, we were on the highway at that time.

I do not have sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can hear the heavy breathing on the side of my husband’s bed is when he has an asthma attack.

The good thing about Viagra is that they are showing that men can go unnoticed, so you can gain weight and have an excellent sex life.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there because of the birth. It would have been nice if I was there because of the conception.

I think I lost 3 pounds. I am very very happy. I thought of that as work and a spa.

Mick Jagger could kiss a moose French. He has lips that give birth.

I was so snubbed that I used to put Xs in my chest and write: “You’re here.” He wore angora sweaters just for the boys to have something to caress.

A guy from the mafia in Las Vegas gave me this advice: ‘Run your own race, put on your blinders’.

If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or someone, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities have that thin look that they will not break for you.

The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

It’s been so long since I made love that I can not even remember who got tied up.

I think Hillary Clinton’s style is perfect. Perfect. You do not realize what he’s wearing, you notice the woman.

I like that my politicians, my judges and my lawyers are simple. I think if you care about the hem you’re not really focused on the global crisis.

If you do not think you’re funny, nobody else will.

Bo Derek rejected the role of Helen Keller because he could not remember the lines.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I do not care if they are good or bad things. That means you are alive.

“I would not go here to Lisa Rinna and say ‘Are those real breasts, are you wearing underwear?'”

My personal style is an exaggerated widow. The old days that said that they dressed and took something away, I tell them, get dressed and make one thing clear.

Before making love, my husband takes an analgesic. I blame my mother for my poor sexual life. Everything she told me was, ‘the man goes up and the woman goes down’. For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds. I’m a double packer. My husband not only puts a bag over my face when we are making love, but also puts a bag on his head in case mine falls. It’s been so long since I had sex, I forgot who is related to whom. My best contraceptive method now is to leave the lights on.

The only thing women do not want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is her husband.

Do not cook Do not clean No man will make love to a woman because he entangled the linoleum. My God, the floor is immaculate. Lie down, hot bitch.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can not get through a door, I’ll go through another door, or I’ll make a door. Something terrifying will come no matter how dark the present is.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she told me: “leave my property”.

I felt that the ego of the comedy began to grow, which gave me the courage to start looking for material in a tentative way.

Your anger can be 49% and your comedy 51%, and you’re fine. If the anger is 51%, the comedy no longer exists.

Never admit that your back goes out more than it does

I think it was Cosby who also told me: “If only 2 percent of the world thinks you’re funny, you’ll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.”

I think it’s time for you to know the truth about Beethoven.

I knew it was an unwanted baby when I saw that my toys for the bathroom were a toaster and a radio.

Part of my act is meant to shake you. It seems I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is hard, honey. Life is hard. And it is better that we laugh at everything; otherwise, we will go down the tube.

The life goes fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Following. Everyone gets so angry about the wrong things.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the gift of God, that is why we call it the present.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m not happy about not being able to open more packages. I’m angry that the libraries are gone. I hate children in airplanes. I am very superficial, so they tend to be small things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something like that.

If God wanted us to bow, I would put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she told me: “leave my property”.

I have had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I never stop in what happened. You can not change it Advance Do not waste your energy on getting mad at something someone did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Fact. Move along
Joan Rivers Quotes
Do not follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you believe in your mind that advice is wise.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what it would be like without plastic surgery.

Do not tell your children that you had an easy delivery or that they will not respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say: ‘Melissa you have smashed me to shreds. Now go back to sleep. ‘

Life is very hard If you do not laugh, it’s hard.

I’m not in anyone’s circle, I’ve always been a stranger.

I hate older people, I hate children. I think any celebrity who adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Heavy jokes are not relevant, but they’re funny when you find them.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always thought that if you have enough money, you can have a key.

It’s been so long since I had sex that I forgot who related it.

I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.

Trust me, there is not one night a week, I’m not in a theater somewhere. I love the theater, and I go out with friends, so I have some free nights.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Every television show you go to is a choice.

As comedians, we all laugh because life is so horrible. Life is very difficult, and I manage to make jokes about absolutely everything.

Never floss with a stranger.

I’m sure some of you are wondering if my breasts are real. Let me explain you. This is, this is not.

Learn what you should not expect Irish Catholics receive sh **** little rings. Irish women have shit rings. Baptists get the worst because they have the rings under water. When it comes, it’s garbage. Jews, big rings. Large episcopal rings. Italians: the best, because they are removed from dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.

Fashion magazines suggest that women wear clothes that are “appropriate for their age.” For me that would be a shroud.

Does fashion matter? Always, although not so much after death.

My face has been stuffed more times than a sheet at the Holiday Inn.

I said to my husband, ‘my tits are gone, my stomach is gone, say something good about my legs’. He said: ‘Blue goes with everything.’

Some women take the law and become lawyers. Other women establish the law and become wives.

I’m a double packer. My husband not only puts a bag over my face when we are making love, but also puts a bag on his head in case mine falls.

I think that real death will be much easier than dying on stage. Because, you know, if you do [the real death], you can look good. Maybe with a little joke [like]: ‘I loved everyone’. But dying on stage … Oh, God!

God always takes a turn of the third act, and we will not know until we die if the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

Dogs are easier to love than people; They are certainly more reliable. Once they love you, that’s it. A true friend in life is a dog.

If you do not go to Broadway, you’re a fool. On Broadway, in front of Broadway, on Broadway, under Broadway, go ahead! Do not tell me there is not something wonderful playing. If I’m at home in New York at night, I’m at a Broadway or Off Broadway show. We are in the theater capital of the world, and if you do not understand, you are an idiot.

I’m grateful for every day that I’m alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating many processed foods. I think it’s the condoms that help me move forward. That, and like the most chocolate I can get my hands on.

The first time I see a broker smiling, I’ll consider it.

You have to understand: when interviewing someone, it is not an interrogation. It’s not the Nuremberg Trials.

I do not exercise. If God had wanted me to bow, I would have put diamonds on the floor.

I blame my mother for my poor sexual life. All she told me was ‘the man goes up and the woman goes down’. For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Acting is my true love I would like to have been a serious actor, and I intend to do so in the next life. I’m going to be Meryl Streep Rivers.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

With plastic surgery, general anesthesia is like a velvety black dream, and that’s what death is, without waking up with someone who applauds and says: “Joan, wake up, it’s over and you look pretty.”

I made so many jokes about poor Crowe Russell, he knocked once on the door of my dressing room and he told me that he wanted to go to this chat to laugh with me. Now he ruined it. I can not make another joke about him.

Diets, like clothes, should be adapted to you.

I think that anyone who is perfectly happy is not particularly funny.

My best contraceptive method now is simply to leave the lights on.

There is not a female comic that was beautiful as a little girl.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Your favorite food is seconds.

The comedians are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they’ll still accept you.

I think any celebrity who adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Yes, I read the story. But it does not make you feel good. Hitler also read the story.

I was not an attractive kid. When I did not wear my Girl Scout uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

It’s like, God, I’m in my 80s. No one, when he dies, will say: ‘How young?’ They’re going to say he had a great trip.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so I would do little things. I never had, like, something complete. So I would go maybe once every two or three years, and he would do a little here, a little there; touch up, how to adjust your car. Then I became the girl in the plastic surgery cartel.

I never consciously thought it … I say exactly what I think, and very often it is totally incorrect from the political point of view. They always punish me for that. Then it is nothing. But I think it’s me who says: ‘The emperor has no clothes.’

I managed to say what everyone else is thinking.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him that he would spread his ashes on Neiman Marcus, that way, I would visit him every day.

A man can sleep, without asking questions, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she is a vagabond.

I am Jewish. I do not work. If God had wanted us to bow, he would have put diamonds on the ground.

Thank God we live in a country where the sky is the limit, stores open late and you can buy in bed thanks to television.

My thighs are flabby, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I do not have methods; All I do is accept people as they are.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Do not you reserve me? I’ve been without work before. I do not care

Boy George is all England needs, another queen who can not get dressed.

My obstetrician was so stupid that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that child followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Before making love, my husband takes an analgesic.

Anyone who says that the aspect does not count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work.

It’s been so long since I had sex that I forgot who tied who.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audience is my group therapy.

Our natures are very similar to oil, we mix with anything else, and we strive to swim at the top.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive that is never found.

Comedy is learning to be fun, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with a young audience.

Life is very hard I do not know how old you are, but I’ve seen so many things in the blink of an eye. A phone call and your life changes forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

Look 50 is great, if you are 60 years old.

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things, such as touching a hot stove, turning on the gas, taking the lamps off their tables with their cables or waking up before midday.

That girl had an excellent way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was close.

Now, I’m not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played “Here Comes the Bride” …

I will stay still for many things, but sex is not one of them.

Better than ever.

And since we are all adults here, let’s be brutally honest: most babies are not really attractive. In fact, they are rare and monstrous. A large percentage of them are bulging and bald, and their faces are mixed, as Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

My parents saw me to receive Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to make their parents see that everything will be fine in life.

The fact is that I am happier when I am on stage.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And we will be equal partners.

I lived to be on stage, and I am terrified. Terrified before each show.

All my friends are dying. That’s why I always use black.

I always like charity with people who do not speak English because I make them do all kinds of things in my house.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I do not need it. Everything goes on stage.

She does not understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in World War 11.

Everyone forgets that comedians are actors. There is no doubt about it. A Robin Williams can not say the same phrase every night for 40 weeks and make it sound cool unless he’s doing an acting job.

I’m furious about everything.

I live very well, but I support many relatives.

I am in favor of anyone who gives me lower taxes, stop all this stupid expense. Who promises me that gets the vote of this hen.

I never feel honored. My career is hilarious for me. I’m under the radar or off the radar.

I will only praise someone who can not take anything away from me.

It always surprises me when I receive an invitation. People are always surprised when they see me at a party.

I’ve learned from my relationships with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with the people you work with, when things fail, it’s all about business.

I love my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I redid, so it’s like a loft, but Louis did the fifteenth.

My audience becomes younger all the time.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the first moment I got it.

We do not apologize for a joke. We are comics We are here to make you laugh. If you do not get it, then do not look at us.

Comedy is a very hard rhythm. It is not an obstacle, as it should be.

I do not think there’s a Tina Fey now if I had not tried to look good at first.

I love Katy Perry! She is very charming.

I have learned that you do not always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they do not know anything.

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurdity, the horror, anything that bothers me.

You can find my book in your favorite bookstore, and if it is not there, look for a new one.

I’m a big fan of ‘Downton Abbey’ – huge!

It could be Greta Garbo’s comedy, very isolated, but Garbo had a man who was more than rich to support her.

I was not an attractive kid.

If you say the same line 10 times and make it look like you just invented it, that’s acting.

It is partying or famine in the world of entertainment.

My mother loved entertainment, and I did the same, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Easter, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

When you whisper something, it’s too big and you can not control it and control it.

I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally geared towards young people.

I will work as hard as I do because I love it.

I have always been a salaried employee; I have never had anything. I have done very well, I lived very well.

My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedian.

Put me against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a task.

When I reject work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I do not know where the next job will come from.

I did not want to do ‘Fashion Police’ because I thought, ‘This is stupid, this is below me, who wants to talk about fashion?’ It has taken off. We are the number one show in England at E! Who knows?

I really believe that comedy is … being funny is DNA. My father was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come to me today, ‘Your father helped my mother to die.’ You know what I’m talking? He made her laugh until she died. My father was always very funny.

I make many lectures about survival. I always say that you can not change what happened, so take a little bath, feel very sorry and then get up and move on. You can not change what happened

I have learned by making my own show with Fox that people are not their partners if they are signing the checks. Who signs his salary is the boss, no matter what they say.

The worst thing that happened to me on stage is that someone ran to tell me that they loved me and that the projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Of course I make a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you make those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to them. This process of recovering your story does not have to be serious. What I say does not make sense, but it helps keep your memory alive.

You hear things about certain people. When you hear that someone was bad with a limo driver or a costume lady, or that someone was rotten with a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought when I was able to think together was that I wanted to be in show business. I have never wanted anything else. I used to sneak into the nursery room in my nursery and smell the costumes.

Nobody wants to know you met Harry Truman … I met Harry Truman … But you know what I mean? Nobody is interested. They want to know that you met Rihanna. And that kills me.

All the way to college, I worked as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I’ve always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.

Being Jewish has always been important to me. Now I have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It’s only half an inch, but every time someone sees it, they remember the six million who perished, and me too.

Show business is that you are there by the chance of someone. And as long as someone loves you and the show goes well, you’ll be fine. I would do anything. There’s so much I want to do

I just got a connection from a hearing. You play with them I get angry with them. I scream at them. They scream at me It’s just fun.

I love acting

Prince Charles is very funny. Then, very funny.

I receive butterflies before going out to greet at a party.

I do not have a line If I think it’s funny, it’s funny.

I would not like to live if I could not act. It is in my will. I will not be revived unless I can stand for an hour.

Life is not up to the realization … The execution is perfect.

When I’m in E! for the ‘fashion police’, I only care about being critical. I lost many friends.

Your son is never your son. You can be 90 years old and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought about it.

I could earn a living and live well, but I do not want to live well. I am very happy to live in my attic, very happy to be able to pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it was a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. Nobody has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’re wrong.

I love Vines. You make this drama of 6.4 seconds, and you can reach 6 million viewers and make people laugh. It seems so fabulous to me.

I am a girl from New York. I leave the theater in New York.

I hate Billings, Montana. They have a parade at Sears Roebuck

I felt that a comedy ego was beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to start looking for material in a tentative way.

I think we obviously need medical attention. Of course, we need medical attention, but I think it has gone too far and I do not understand it. It has become so complicated. At the time they made a deal with the pharmaceutical companies, they know that there is nothing kosher here.

Obama came in and said he was going to change everything, and you can not. Give the boy a rest. But I question a lot about what is happening. It will certainly be reflected in my vote, but who else is there? It is a horrible moment, because people vote partisan lines instead of what is good for the country. I think the whole health issue got so ugly, because of the party lines, and that’s not what it’s about.

When it comes to first generation money, it means: “I got a Mercedes, a Rolls and a Lamborghini. When you are second generation money, you are very quiet behind the doors of your country club. I think that’s why people are much more aware. It is the first generation wives who have the big rings and the second generation says: “Everyone keep quiet when we get on our yacht or our private plane”.

I’m up, up, over my game now. I’m so happy to be in that scenario, I’m in control of that, and I love every minute of it. I walk onstage at the rehearsal and I start to smile. So, I do not care what someone else is doing. Do what you want, say what you want. Nobody else can do what I do on stage. No one.

Life is very hard, you know? You sit down at a dinner and talk to the person to your right or left, you are going to hear something terribly sad, horrible or horrible. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like that, every time you have someone to laugh at, you give them a little vacation. It’s so true. You laugh for a second, you’re happy. In the negotiations I find that everyone is sitting with a serious expression, I say something funny and breaks the ice. And it’s like, now we can overcome this.

I think that all of us who are in comedies, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas to a certain extent. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can not lie about that. I love it when you go to a restaurant and say, “Come over here, Miss Rivers,” and you get a good table. I love all that, the advantages of the business.

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