I saw a child eating an ice cream, … I crushed him in his face. You know that child will remember me when I’m 50 years old.
Older people should not eat healthy foods, they need all the preservatives they can get.
First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease that bears his name.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
It is surprising that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always exactly matches the newspaper.
I saw a woman in a sweatshirt with Guess on her. I said, thyroid problem?
No doubt I deserved my enemies, but I do not think I deserved my friends.
A good thing about music, when it hits you, you do not feel pain.
My mother is the kind of woman you do not want to be behind the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
Never raise your hand towards your children; this leaves your middle section unprotected.
People always ask me: “Were you funny as a child?” Well, no, I was an accountant.
Sarah Palin HAS to be a Latina: she has a job and her husband does not work. She is going to be a grandmother and she has a baby, she is Latina.
I never expected to see the day when girls would burn with the sun in the places they now have.
In comics, the person on the left always speaks first.
I want to make a puzzle of 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go out’.
OMG. We have had cloning in the south for years. It’s called cousins.
Originality is the beautiful art of remembering what you hear but forget where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
It is simple, if it is agitated, it is fat.
Men do not care what’s on television. They only care what else there is on television.
The only time I enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put the gin on the steam iron.
Television is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
I have not failed I just found 10,000 shapes that will not work.
Thomas A. Edison
I always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those red knives.
Every time I feel the need to exercise, I go to bed until it disappears.
Robert Maynard Hutchins
Men are as loyal as their options.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little closer.
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
Logic will take you from A to Z; the imagination will take you everywhere.
I used to sell furniture to live. The problem was that it was mine.
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
A vegetarian is a person who will not eat anything that can have children.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
If two errors do not make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow up, you will avoid it.
My fake plants died because I do not intend to water them.
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty years old. He is ninety-seven years old and we do not know where the hell he is.
Any child will do anything for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.
People who think they know everything are a big nuisance to those of us who do.
Imperfection is beauty, madness is great and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
All people are born equal, except Republicans and Democrats.
I have not talked to my wife in years. I did not want to interrupt her.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
The only thing I know about Africa is that it is very, very far away. Around a flight of thirty-five hours. The boat trip is so long, there are still slaves on the way here.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap with me.
I do not trust the camels and anyone else who can spend a week without drinking.
Joe E. Lewis
I would never die for my beliefs because I could be wrong.
The recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Cross-country skiing is ideal if you live in a small country.
How many people here have telekéneticos powers? I raise my hand.
The madness of a man is the wife of another man.
There can not be a crisis the next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself”.
Fatherhood is to pretend that the gift you love the most is soap on a string.
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer more than you.
Dr. Seuss (Happy Birthday)
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
You know you have a drinking problem when the waiter knows your name, and you’ve never been to that bar before.
He taught me the cleaning service; When I get divorced, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately there was not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever met.
There are only three things that women need in life: food, water and compliments.
Fashions have done more damage than revolutions.
My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
All the corn candy that was made was made in 1911.
If you’re going to have two faces, at least make one look pretty.
Everything that used to be a sin now is a disease.
If God wanted us to bow, I would put diamonds on the floor.
At what age do you think it is appropriate to indicate a road that was adopted?
I think if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.
Behind every great man there is a woman who rolls her eyes.
I discovered that there was only one way to appear thin: to hang out with fat people.
I have a loving interest in each of my films: a gun.
A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it lasts longer than milk.
I dream of moving to India or Pakistan and becoming a taxi driver.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
A day without sunlight is like, you know, at night.
Confidence is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that son of a bitch’s reflection.
Between two evils, I always choose the one I never tried before.
I’m sorry for the people who do not drink. When they wake up in the morning, it’s as good as they’ll feel all day.
When you court a good girl, an hour seems a second. When you sit in a red-hot ash, a second seems like an hour. That is relativity.
Do not cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure of the universe
When I was a kid, my family’s menu consisted of two options: take it or leave it.
A two year old is like having a blender, but you do not have the best one.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a democrat
Those who care do not matter, and those who matter do not care.
Bernard M. Baruch
A stockbroker urged me to buy an action that would triple its value each year. I said: “At my age, I do not even buy green bananas.”
The first time I sang in the church choir; Two hundred people changed their religion.
The day I made that statement, about inventing the Internet, I was tired because I had been awake all night inventing the camcorder.
Be yourself; all others are already taken.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing bothers them so much.
Always finish the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you shout, the name transmits it.
Wine is a constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
I always wanted to be someone, but now I realize that I should have been more specific.
Household chores can not kill you, but why risk it?
Everyone knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke
We have so much food in the United States that we are allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people are not allergic to s ** t. Do you think someone in Rwanda has lactose intolerance?
The white man makes guns? No problem. Does the black rapper say “weapon”? Hearing of the Congress.
I do not fear death, I just do not want to be there when it happens.
Anyone who says they can see through women is missing a lot.
Happiness is having a large loving, affectionate and united family in another city.
A love scene by James Cagney is one in which he lets the other guy live.
The mind of a woman is cleaner than that of a man: she changes it more often.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to remember. Instantly.
Do not worry about anything, every little thing will be fine
If a woman tells you that she is 20 and you see 16, she is 12 years old. If she tells you that she is 26 and that she looks like 26, she is almost 40.
Who chooses your clothes? Stevie wonder?
A day without laughter is a wasted day.
I do not deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I do not deserve that either.
When I finally met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.
If at first you do not succeed … so much for skydiving.
Miami Beach is where the neon is going to die.
If you can not explain it to a six-year-old child, you do not understand it yourself.
If I want to get a story from the cover, I just change my hairstyle.
Be nice to nerds You may end up working for them. We all could.
Charles J. Sykes
Men want three things in life. Food, sex and silence. So feed me, kick me out and close the f ** k!
We need two types of acquaintances, one to complain, while for others we boast.
Logan P. Smith
There is no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box in your lap.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Why do not you get out of that wet coat and get a dry Martini?