Funny Quotes

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I saw a child eating an ice cream, … I crushed him in his face. You know that child will remember me when I’m 50 years old.
Dane Cook

Older people should not eat healthy foods, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease that bears his name.
Steve Martin

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

It is surprising that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always exactly matches the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

I saw a woman in a sweatshirt with Guess on her. I said, thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

No doubt I deserved my enemies, but I do not think I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman
Funny Quotes
A good thing about music, when it hits you, you do not feel pain.
Bob Marley

My mother is the kind of woman you do not want to be behind the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
Chris Rock

Never raise your hand towards your children; this leaves your middle section unprotected.
Robert Orben

People always ask me: “Were you funny as a child?” Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen Degeneres

Sarah Palin HAS to be a Latina: she has a job and her husband does not work. She is going to be a grandmother and she has a baby, she is Latina.
George Lopez

I never expected to see the day when girls would burn with the sun in the places they now have.
Will Rogers

In comics, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

I want to make a puzzle of 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go out’.
Demetri Martin

OMG. We have had cloning in the south for years. It’s called cousins.
Robin Williams

Originality is the beautiful art of remembering what you hear but forget where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

It is simple, if it is agitated, it is fat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Men do not care what’s on television. They only care what else there is on television.
Jerry Seinfeld

The only time I enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put the gin on the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
Funny Quotes
Television is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright

I have not failed I just found 10,000 shapes that will not work.
Thomas A. Edison

I always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those red knives.
Billy Connolly

Every time I feel the need to exercise, I go to bed until it disappears.
Robert Maynard Hutchins

Men are as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher

If you have a secret, people will sit a little closer.
Rob Corddry

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

Logic will take you from A to Z; the imagination will take you everywhere.
Albert Einstein

I used to sell furniture to live. The problem was that it was mine.
Les Dawson

Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Johnny Carson

A vegetarian is a person who will not eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain

If two errors do not make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow up, you will avoid it.
Joey Adams

My fake plants died because I do not intend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Funny Quotes
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Steven Wright

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty years old. He is ninety-seven years old and we do not know where the hell he is.
Ellen Degeneres

Any child will do anything for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton

Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.
John Lennon

People who think they know everything are a big nuisance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov

Imperfection is beauty, madness is great and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
Marilyn Monroe

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
Wanda Sykes

All people are born equal, except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

I have not talked to my wife in years. I did not want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

The only thing I know about Africa is that it is very, very far away. Around a flight of thirty-five hours. The boat trip is so long, there are still slaves on the way here.
Chris Rock

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap with me.
Warren Buffett

I do not trust the camels and anyone else who can spend a week without drinking.
Joe E. Lewis

I would never die for my beliefs because I could be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

The recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

Cross-country skiing is ideal if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

How many people here have telekéneticos powers? I raise my hand.
Emo Philips

The madness of a man is the wife of another man.
Helen Rowland

There can not be a crisis the next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself”.
Johnny Carson

Fatherhood is to pretend that the gift you love the most is soap on a string.
Bill Cosby

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer more than you.
Dr. Seuss (Happy Birthday)

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

You know you have a drinking problem when the waiter knows your name, and you’ve never been to that bar before.
Zach galifianakis
Funny Quotes
He taught me the cleaning service; When I get divorced, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately there was not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Robin Williams

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever met.
Walt Disney

There are only three things that women need in life: food, water and compliments.
Chris Rock

Fashions have done more damage than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

All the corn candy that was made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black

If you’re going to have two faces, at least make one look pretty.
Marilyn Monroe

Everything that used to be a sin now is a disease.
Bill Maher

If God wanted us to bow, I would put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

At what age do you think it is appropriate to indicate a road that was adopted?
Zach galifianakis

I think if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.
Ron White

Behind every great man there is a woman who rolls her eyes.
Jim Carrey

I discovered that there was only one way to appear thin: to hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a loving interest in each of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it lasts longer than milk.
Rita Rudner

I dream of moving to India or Pakistan and becoming a taxi driver.
Zach galifianakis

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

A day without sunlight is like, you know, at night.
Steve Martin

Confidence is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that son of a bitch’s reflection.
Lady Gaga

Between two evils, I always choose the one I never tried before.
Mae West

I’m sorry for the people who do not drink. When they wake up in the morning, it’s as good as they’ll feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

When you court a good girl, an hour seems a second. When you sit in a red-hot ash, a second seems like an hour. That is relativity.
Albert Einstein

Do not cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Dr. Seuss

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure of the universe
Albert Einstein

When I was a kid, my family’s menu consisted of two options: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

A two year old is like having a blender, but you do not have the best one.
Jerry Seinfeld

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a democrat
Will Rogers

Those who care do not matter, and those who matter do not care.
Bernard M. Baruch

A stockbroker urged me to buy an action that would triple its value each year. I said: “At my age, I do not even buy green bananas.”
Claude Pepper

The first time I sang in the church choir; Two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

The day I made that statement, about inventing the Internet, I was tired because I had been awake all night inventing the camcorder.
Al Gore

Be yourself; all others are already taken.
Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies; nothing bothers them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Always finish the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you shout, the name transmits it.
Bill Cosby

Wine is a constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

I always wanted to be someone, but now I realize that I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

Household chores can not kill you, but why risk it?
Phyllis Diller

Everyone knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke

We have so much food in the United States that we are allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people are not allergic to s ** t. Do you think someone in Rwanda has lactose intolerance?
Chris Rock

The white man makes guns? No problem. Does the black rapper say “weapon”? Hearing of the Congress.
Chris Rock

I do not fear death, I just do not want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Anyone who says they can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Happiness is having a large loving, affectionate and united family in another city.
George Burns

A love scene by James Cagney is one in which he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

The mind of a woman is cleaner than that of a man: she changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to remember. Instantly.
Demetri Martin

Do not worry about anything, every little thing will be fine
Bob Marley

If a woman tells you that she is 20 and you see 16, she is 12 years old. If she tells you that she is 26 and that she looks like 26, she is almost 40.
Chris Rock

Who chooses your clothes? Stevie wonder?
Don Rickles

A day without laughter is a wasted day.
Carlos Chaplin

I do not deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I do not deserve that either.
Jack Benny

When I finally met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner

If at first you do not succeed … so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

Miami Beach is where the neon is going to die.
Lenny Bruce

If you can not explain it to a six-year-old child, you do not understand it yourself.
Albert Einstein

If I want to get a story from the cover, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton

Be nice to nerds You may end up working for them. We all could.
Charles J. Sykes

Men want three things in life. Food, sex and silence. So feed me, kick me out and close the f ** k!
Chris Rock

We need two types of acquaintances, one to complain, while for others we boast.
Logan P. Smith

There is no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box in your lap.
Kevin James

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns

Why do not you get out of that wet coat and get a dry Martini?
Robert Benchley





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