Funny Christmas Quotes for Cards

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. ~ Victor Borge

There has only been one Christmas, the rest are anniversaries. ~ W. J. Cameron

Santa is very happy because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~ Dennis Miller

Christmas is a time when you yearn for the house, even when you are at home. ~ Carol Nelson
Funny Christmas Captions
Once I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave up, they do not have vacations. ~ Henry Youngman

Blessed is the season that involves the whole world in a conspiracy of love! ~ Hamilton Wright Mabie

The worst gift is a fruit cake. There is only one fruit cake in the whole world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~ Johnny Carson

He who does not have Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree. ~ Sunshine Magazine

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. ~ Larry Wilde

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him at a department store and asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple

That is the true spirit of Christmas; people who receive help from people other than me. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

People really act weird at Christmas! At what other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets with your socks? ~ Anonymous

Anyone, who believes that men are equal to women, has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas gift. ~ Anonymous

Once I bought my children a set of batteries for Christmas with a note that said: toys not included. ~ Bernard Manning

Christmas is a time when children tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits occur when adults tell the government what they want and their children pay for it. ~ Richard Lamm

Santa wears a red suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that is smoking? ~ Arlo Guthrie

Christmas is a time when everyone wants to forget their past and remember their present. What I do not like about Christmas parties in the office is looking for work the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller

Let me see if I have this matter of direct Santa. Does he say that he wears a beard, that he does not have a discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under the cover of darkness? Are you sure this guy is not laundering illegal drug money? ~ Tom Armstrong

Christmas is the disneyfication of Christianity ~ Don Cupitt

Christmas, children, it’s not a date. It is a mental state. ~ Mary Ellen Chase

You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger. ~ Robert Paul
Funny Christmas Captions
The roses are reddish, the violets are blue, if it were not for Christmas, we would all be Jews. ~ Benny Hill

Christmas is a race to see what is first revealed: your money or your feet. ~ Anonymous

What do you call the people who fear Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. ~ Anonymous

Christmas is the season in which you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money. ~ Anonymous

Christmas is for children But it is for adults too. Even if it is a headache, a chore and a nightmare, it is a period of thawing necessary for the cold and the locked hearts. ~ Lenora Weber

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? As I realized that every year around this time, I listen to Christmas music. ~ Tom Sims

The Supreme Court has ruled that they can not have a birth in Washington, DC. This was not for any religious reason. They could not find three wise men and a virgin. ~ Jay Leno

Christmas in my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We started drinking early. And while everyone else sees only one Santa Claus, we’ll see six or seven. ~ W. C. Fields

Dear Lord, I have been asked, you have not ordered me, to thank you for the Christmas turkey we have before us … a turkey that was undoubtedly a living and intelligent bird … a social being … capable of Real affection … caressing your baby with almost human – like compassion Anyway, it’s dead and we’re going to eat it. Please pay our respects to your family … ~ Berke Breathed

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; He is Santa Claus. ~ Bob Phillips

Send your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~ Johnny Carson

I wish we could put some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar every month. ~ Harlan Miller

One lovely thing about Christmas is that it is obligatory, like a thunderstorm, and we all spend together. ~ Garrison Keillor

The only thing women do not want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is her husband. ~ Joan Rivers

Next to a circus there is nothing that accumulates and leaves faster than the Christmas spirit. ~ Kin Hubbard

Why Christmas is like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat man in the suit gets all the credit. ~ Anonymous

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it. ~ Katharine Whitehorn





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