Moved all my garden gnomes from the backyard to the front, and now they’re elves.
Scientists are saying this winter solstice will be the longest night in the history of earth, but they’ve clearly never spent a holiday with my family.
The first half hour of Christmas with my family is just my father telling everyone where to park.
I wonder how many divorce papers have been filed by wives whose husbands took them seriously when they said, “No presents this year, honey.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
If I die tonight I want everyone to know that it was my 7 year old’s idea to put Christmas lights on the roof.
The person who first threw a gift in a pretty shopping bag and threw some crumpled tissue paper on top should have gotten a Nobel prize.
My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It’s $100 on me and $500 on her.
Present Buying Tip For Men: She’ll love any gift from you, unless it’s the wrong size, she thinks it’s ugly, or just hates it for no reason.
That kid who wants a hippopotamus for Christmas? She makes a good argument. Let’s hear her out.
I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Spending money you don’t have to give people you don’t like stuff they don’t want? That’s gotta stop.
…and then I said “I would like a robot maid with a vacuum who does laundry and windows.”
And he said “Please get off my lap, my legs are numb.”
I need to decorate soon. My neighbors keep wishing me a happy Hanukkah.
It’s a shame this is the only time of year that it’s acceptable to drive around with a tree loosely strapped to the top of your car
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree with no a ladder without dumping it over and ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I make all my yuletides gay after they date me.